The Definitive Newborn Schedule
Follow exactly for perfect sleep and weight gain
6:30am Wake up
6:45am First feed 8:55am Startle awake and look accusingly at your spouse. Wasn’t it their turn to do the morning feed? Why are you both still asleep? Oh my God, how long has the baby been crying? And you didn’t even notice?! You are, without a doubt, the worst parents in the world. Not only are you completely out of step with your baby’s needs, not ONLY did you SELFISHLY allow your bone tired body to sleep, but you missed your first feed of the day. Now the baby will have to stay up later, and for some reason having the baby on a later schedule is morally wrong. You should know the reason, but because you’re an awful parent, you don’t. Command your spouse to research this while you do the first feed for baby and first cry for you.
7:30am Playtime! 9:37am Look around for the contrast cards. If you have an older child, they are long gone. If your parents are helping out, they are put away in an extremely logical place that you will never locate. If it’s just you and your partner, snip at each other a little because you’re hangry and no one’s made coffee, until you eventually give up on the contrast cards and decide your child doesn’t need to go to college. No one is going to college anymore. Besides, with what money? Put the baby on the playmat. Melt into each other, marvel at baby’s perfection, express how you have never loved one another more, how baby is an extension of your love, then passive aggressively doze off so your partner has to make coffee.
8:30am First nap 10:08am If you shave off fifteen minutes off from each wake window and the second train is coming from Cincinnati at 120 miles per hour, you can make up for half of the lost time in how many wake windows? Curse yourself for not paying attention in math class. Ask ChatGPT to figure this out. Doubt the answer you receive. Try to put the baby down for a nap. Baby isn’t having it. Debate feeding baby now, which would help get back on the schedule. But it’s supposed to be eat-play-sleep and that would be eat-play-eat-sleep(?). Ask ChatGPT. Get in a whisper-screaming match with ChatGPT. Feed baby, but baby isn’t that hungry, so only eats a little. Doubt decision to feed baby.
9:30am Wake and feed 11:14am Baby settles for first nap. You want to sleep while the baby sleeps, but you have to pump. There are no clean pump parts so you have to wash those. Your partner cannot wash them because they are entertaining the older child/your parents. If neither of these are in play, your partner has been doing dishes this whole time and is just now seeing the dirty pump parts. Once you have clean pump parts, choose a fun show to watch, affix pump to breasts and oh look at that baby is awake how fun.
11:52am Wake and feed while slamming a cold cup of coffee and remember you haven’t eaten yet today. Eat the remainder of last night’s burritos. Drop some on baby’s head. Feel bad, but not like, that bad. Feel bad that you didn’t feel bad enough.
10:30am 12:30pm Play. Consider if you are doing “play” right. You know the baby needs tummy time but one pediatrician, not your pediatrician but a different one from the practice you saw when yours was away, said the baby has a neck lag and needs more playtime on their back. So which is it? Back or tummy? Google “neck lag.” Second cry. Put on the Fisher Price kick and play. Sob to purple monkey in a bubblegum tree because one day your little bird with polka dot wings will fly away, and will they fly back to you? Maybe not! Because you are messing this up! Tearfully tell your partner this is the most beautiful song in the world. Partner sends you to bed. You have won.
12:53pm Lie awake feeling guilty for needing sleep.
11:30am 1pm All 3 of you will nap for one hour, then you will get back on the schedule.
12:30pm Wake and feed Nope
1:30pm Playtime No
2:30pm Nap Already?!
3:47pm Fuck!!!!! No one set an alarm!!!!!!!!!!
4:00pm Wake and feed. Sure. Fine. Look at that, back on schedule.
4:12pm Reddit deep dive on missed wake windows while you nurse poorly. 4th cry. First sip of beer. Lose beer somewhere in house. Give up on nursing. 5th cry.
4:30pm Play Wait so the last wake window had a longer nap and then a shorter feed? Why? Are they just messing with you at this point? Who are “they”? Big Baby? Once again question if “play” is supposed to be your baby just vacantly staring at stuff.
5pm Nap. This one can be a bit shorter. But it won’t be. Your baby chooses this nap to have the deepest, most angelic sleep. Stare at baby the whole time with partner. Forget to make dinner due to overwhelming bliss.
7:19pm FUCK!!!! YOU FELL ASLEEP AGAIN YOU DUMB DUMBS!!!!
7:30pm Hastily wake and feed the baby. Knock over the beer from earlier.
7pm 8:30pm Bath. Don’t drop the slippery baby don’t drop the slippery baby don’t drop the slippery baby
7:30pm 9pm Put baby down. Consider dinner.
9:06pm Baby cries. Settle baby.
9:09 Baby cries. Settle baby.
9:19pm Partner discovers you finished last night’s burritos. That was partner’s plan for dinner. Partner cries. Baby cries.
9:45pm Realize partner is not coming back from settling baby and you have to make dinner. Microwave literally anything.
9:47pm Sit down to dinner togeth—
9:48pm Baby cries.
10pm Dream feed. That’s what the schedule says, anyway. Your baby has not yet fallen asleep, so you’re not sure this counts as a dream feed, but maybe this will help baby fall asleep. It does!!! Baby is magic. Baby is perfect. You are perfect. You are both geniuses. This is not hard.
Nighttime: 2-3 feeds as needed. Cluster feeds at all hours of the night. Feel guilty about the cluster feeding for some reason. Additionally, baby will wake when wet, or just whenever it feels like hanging out. Feel guilty that you don’t feel like hanging out with baby every second of every day and night. Knock over another beer. What? Where did that one even come from?
2:73am Tell your partner you want another one.
